Getting a divorce can be one of the most difficult and emotional decisions of your life. While the idea of starting a new chapter may provide some much-needed closure, you’ll also likely experience fear of the unknown and anxiety over protecting your financial future.
Fortunately, you don’t have to go it alone. In addition to the support of your loved ones, expert guidance from the right family law attorney can ease your transition during this difficult time.
To learn what women need to do — and common mistakes to avoid — after deciding to divorce, we spoke with Jessica Markham, who practices all aspects of family law in Maryland and Washington, D.C. These are her top insights for women navigating divorce.
Talk to a lawyer first.
It may seem backward, but Markham says it can be helpful to talk to a lawyer about your decision to divorce even before informing your spouse. In marriages that have reached the point of dissolution, communication may be very poor, and being prepped by an objective attorney about what to say — and more importantly, what not to say — in that first conversation can prevent you from putting forth any ideas or proposals in the heat of the moment that may come back to bite you. Markham recommends seeking referrals for reputable attorneys from people who have actually worked with them, and then meeting with two or three to assess your fit on personality, budget and approach.
Don’t worry if you don’t have a plan.
Women should not feel intimidated about starting the conversation with a lawyer before they have their plans all figured out — that’s what the experts are there for. “People find comfort when I say I have seen people through this thousands of times,” Markham says. “Whenever people come in for the initial meeting, even if they don’t initiate a separation or divorce for months or a year later, there’s like a visible weight lifted from the time they walk in the door where they’re a nervous wreck and then the time they walk out.”
Switch to “business mode.”
Communicating with your spouse through the nitty-gritty details can be one of the most stressful parts of your divorce, so Markham suggests taking a businesslike approach that leaves emotion out of it. Especially in the early stages, one partner may over-engage the other, which can lead to arguments rather than rational discussions about logistics. “We tend to tell people to engage less, talk less,” she says, recommending the concept of “BIFF” communication — brief, informed, focused and friendly — for more positive outcomes. The same goes for talking to others — airing grievances with mutual friends or your in-laws can alienate them; working with a therapist on the emotional aspects of your divorce is more productive.
Be patient.
Divorce isn’t a time to rip the bandage right off. You should be prepared for a minimum of six to nine months, Markham says. It may take more or less time depending on prenuptial agreements, custody of children, alimony and the complexity of your assets, but rushing through negotiations just to get past the uncomfortable feelings can hurt you. “A lot of people put unnecessary stress on the process because they’re worrying about the potential outcomes — where you’re going to end up living, custody of your children, are you going to have enough money to support yourself and your kids — and a lot of that is the emotional undercurrent,” Markham says. “If you let fear drive the negotiation, it can lead to negative outcomes. It is helpful to have a lawyer you can trust to tell you when these fears are really justified.”
Find advisors you’re comfortable with.
During a divorce, some women may want to find their own accountants and financial advisors. For some, this may be the first time they’re managing financial decisions and making estate plans directly, and Markham says it’s critical to find advisors you can trust and feel comfortable with. “Being able to take steps toward true financial independence can be super empowering,” Markham says. “I like to try and help people find advisors that they feel they can connect to. For example, I had one client that had millions of dollars to invest, and she went to this place that was super fancy, but it made investing seem too complicated and intimidating. She ended up doing better with somebody that would sit across the kitchen table from her, not in this huge, 20-person conference room. You just have to find the right fit for you.”
If you’re facing the decision to divorce, reach out to your financial advisor for assistance during this difficult time. We have helped many women through the experience and can collaborate closely with your lawyer to make the process smoother and help protect not just your financial future but your overall well-being.
